I feel like I’ve mentioned it over and over again in these past few blog posts, but what a crazy time to be alive. I guess I wanted to write a post today to share not about what I’m doing, but to reflect on this time and how I’m feeling. Social distancing is hard. Wanting to see the rest of my family and squeeze and play with my nephews but can’t, is hard. The first thing that I want to do when this is all over is just give the people I love the biggest hug in the entire world. I miss my people so much.
I realized something about myself throughout all of this, and I think I’ve seen glimpses of it in the past, but these last few weeks I’ve taken more notice of it. And what I’ve noticed is that I like to keep myself busy so that I can feel productive and don’t have to think. I love the feeling of setting goals and accomplishing everything that is on my list and feeling on top of things. Yet, I’ve found myself always wanting to constantly be doing something to shut my thoughts off too. In my mind, there is always something to do, and I don’t like sitting around doing nothing during the day. It’s been hard for me to keep still. Sure I’ll watch some YouTube videos and some episodes of Parks and Recreation, but I only allow myself to do that for a limited period of time, especially when the sun is out. Of course I chill out at night and watch TV or Netflix like everyone else, but when the sun’s out, I feel guilty. If I’m just sitting around not taking advantage of the beautiful weather by either going for a walk, reading, golfing, or shooting around the basketball in the driveway, I feel like I’m not productive and wasting valuable time.
And after a few weeks of doing this, I realize now that I want to keep busy not only because I want to be productive, but because it’s a way to turn my mind off from roaming too much. I’m the type of person that can’t be left with my thoughts for too long because I start going in dark and weird places. If I am constantly doing things, I don’t get into that headspace. I’m generally a really happy person, but I can get into a really negative headspace that I don’t like to share with people. And it’s not negative about people or things around me, but it’s about myself. The way I’ve treated myself mentally these past few months has been brutal. Thank goodness I ended up getting out of that mentality, but with all this time at home, I’m afraid of doing that again. I can’t go there and do that again, so I keep busy. I clean what I can, I organize what I can, I workout, I blog, I do yoga, I do all of these things to keep my mind busy.
I honestly don’t know why I’m sharing this, but I feel like writing is helping me realize why I do this and how to get through it. Writing allows me to get all my thoughts on paper and not have the thoughts that I’m having constantly circulate in my mind. It’s like if I write it on paper, it leaves my mind completely and onto the page and I can move past that. Writing is a very therapeutic thing for me, and it helps when I can look and see how I’m feeling and how I can move on from this. Sure there’s some thoughts that resurface, but writing out how I’m feeling helps me work through it. I can’t keep everything in my head all the time, and I like to, and need to, let it out through writing.
I guess I’m sharing this post as a way to say that now is the time to really reflect on how you are feeling, and where you want to go from here. Are you having a healthy headspace? If not, I hope you can figure out what you can do to get out of it in a healthy way. We can get through this, I know we can! Thanks for stopping to read this random post today, hope you have a great one <3